Panic Attack

Saturday night I had the worse panic attack ever. I was having a conversation with my ex boyfriend. I was trying to get him to tell the truth about him cheating (I found naked pic's of other women in his phone...they weren't forwards). He kept on denying I even saw the pic's and we were going back and forth until I told him I was DONE!


We'd been together for three years and he's so sneaky it's maddening. When ever I find out something he denies it to the end. I can't trust him so I told him to leave. How ever when he did leave I felt the panic attack coming. My heart started beating really fast and I felt as if I could feel it in my head. I paced the living room smoking cigarettes back to back. I was not only angry but also hurt. I thought we were better friends than that.
Anyway I decided to take a hot bath to relax my nerves I soaked for a hour but my mind wouldn't quit racing thinking about those damn pic's. I rubbed myself down with lotion and laid on my bed staring at the ceiling. It seemed as if my heart wanted to come out of my chest. So whats a girl to do? I was done crying (I'd done that all week). I'd been prescribed Xanax and I never take them but this was one night I had to. Finally after three hours of the most awful panic attack I've ever had I was able to fall into a restless sleep.
I awoke four hours later with the same shit on my mind. Eight o'clock on a Sunday morning here I am wide awake. I bet he was sleep peacefully where ever the wind blew him that night. I needed to take a walk it was raining but it seemed as if the sky was just as unhappy as I was so it didn't really matter. My heart was beating at a normal rate as I walked two blocks. That's when it dawned on me he and I breaking up didn't stop me from getting up the next morning... I was still here. This break up is going to be really hard because I loved him deeply but I'm still here and I will move on.