Oh....No

I cannot make you change I know
I cannot make you be the man I thought you once were
All that I can do All that I will do is learn alot more about myself
I know I hated watching sports complete waste of time
I hated when you left your shoes in the middle of the floor
I hated that you thought my clit was something to bite
and I hated when you never wanted to put up a fight
I hated the way you had to hit the blunt
I hated that you always put up a front
like you were a honest, caring, loving man
I hated I loved you but oh well I cannot make you change.

What I Want in a Man

I want him to be funny
compassionate
loving
have a job
no drugs of any kind
he can be widowed, divorced but most of all please Lord let him be single
I want a working man, a fixing up the house man, a hold my hand man but most of all I want him to be only
MY MAN
I want a brother to be a slow, tender, long lasting, kiss my toes lover!
Lord if he comes with kids that's fine too. We can be some Brady Bunch picnic's in the parks
at the Ceaser Land and p.g. Movie lovers
I just want him to be a Man
I want to know when I'm in the room the only thing he is watching is me I don't care if Halle Berry walked in and did a striptease!
I want my Man to answer his phone every time I call.
I want my man to want to show me off to the world
I want to know every one he loves so that I can grow to love him even more
No game players, smooth talkers, users, cheap and selfish dudes need not apply.
See cause I'm Grade A with a sweet disposition unless you make me mad.
 I don't nag
steal... cheat... downgrade you. All I wanna do is cater to you.
If I'm giving my all you better damn sure give yours
My skin is soft
I smell good
I know how to cook
and I am Sexy as hell.
I don't have the time or the energy to play games to old for that
It's time to get my grown woman thang back.

Now I know

I know why she slipped
she slipped cause walking was too fast
she slipped cause her life was not meant to last
She went there time and time again cause the pain was too great to bear
she did it cause being alone was her fear
they sent her over the edge
they made her knees burn from beg
She was no longer alone
living in a bottle became her home

Happy Birthday Ms. Hill!

I love this video because it shows the only thing that changes is time not problems. Same shit different day. When I bought the CD I knew Lauryn Hill was the truth.  When she sings about the pretty faced men claiming that they did a bid men need to take care of their twenty four kids men. I lmao. Listen to the words cause this will still be the truth fifty years from now.

The Watcher

Do you wanna watch?

Look...See...Touch

moving slowly gyrating

up and down

round and round

Lust, boredom, curiosity it's all there

Do you wanna watch?

wetness from fingers slowly touching private places
 Silken skin reaching back pulling in

Smell...me...now

Do you wanna watch?

Faster harder fire in my blood

Heat from my love

You are watching cause you wanna watch.

SHIT

 Boy meets Woman who already has it going on
House, Job and Money in the Bank
His eyes pop out his head looking at the money she makes
Shoulda said keep it moving little boy...but that clock was ticking in her head
All his SHIT was in the past crackhead jailbird baby daddy
His SHIT was all their shit making one huge pile of trash
stinking to the highest of the heavens
Her first mind said walk away... no RUN FAST but that  clock kept ticking away
She covered her eyes against the warning the red light flashing telling her to stop
She found the dress, paid the preacher, bought his suit and said "I do"

Murder in the first degree

Three...I've murdered three
Not without agonizing over their deaths
I plotted every detail, I made sure they went as quickly and painlessly as I could
but nevertheless I am a murderer.
I committed my first murder when I was nineteen young by far but I did it in order to save myself
I shall call this murder in self defense
I waited six years before the need to kill came upon me again
This time I did it on order to save my marriage
This one haunted my dreams and caused many sleepless nights
The last time I killed was to hide the truth of an unhappy marriage
I had accomplices those who never knew how each murder penetrated my soul
Those who handed me money unwittingly to kill
Each time I took their blood money I cringed
Then I lay back took a deep breathe and begged GOD for forgiveness I committed murder
I know one day I will have to answer to those small clots of blood that held fingers and toes, brains and bones...I'm  prepared to tell them why.

Everybody's talking...

Got alot on my mind

A seven year old this time...WTF

She was supposed to be getting ready for school right now

Learning on her mind, waiting for lunchtime

Did she believe in fairies...like to jump rope...play tag...

Was she excited about summer...what did she want to be when she grew up?

Stay out of trouble...don't hang out...shit little Aiyanna was just sleep on her couch!

Trouble came knocking at her door with a search warrant, big black boots and a license to kill.

I hope she was sleeping, I pray she felt no pain. SEVEN years old damn!

Yesterday it was a mom and her son
Day before that a grandmother
Day before that two beautiful young girls
Seventeen and fifteen year old males
WTH
Everybody talking, marching
 reclaiming our streets?

The ones that kill could care less

march all you want they chuckle as they hit the blunt

pass the brew and pop the X

Blood stains...dead brains high...OMG the young folks sigh

Looking around cause they could be next

Marked for death with targets on their chest

Carrie was dancing to pay her way...she had a scummy ass boyfriend wanted control

not only over her body but her mind as well took her and her son away I truly hope there

is a hell!

I'm tired of hearing about all this death

turn on the news and I hold my breath

Praying for my loved ones and those innocent souls who's lives will never unfold.

Shadows

They live in the shadows
Bright red lips, high heels and tight skirts
Everything big....big  hair...big tits...big ass...big fake smile
They walk shayshaying to a rythm only they can hear
They hear the whistles, cat calls and shouts of desperation
A wave of the hand
 a back alley transaction
 the deed is done
Lost daugthers
Lost sons doesn't matter which one
I know love used to reside behind those empty eyes
I know hope sprang eternal at one point in the heart of those big tits
Those brightly painted lips may have been able to quote Shakespere
Those trackmarked arms may have once held someone very dear
That ass may have sat and waited as love disappeared
And those feet which walk a million miles in one night may have simply kept on walking in order to find some type of peace even if it meant living in the shadows.....

Relapse

I knew the shit was gonna hit the fan
I knew I was tipping my hand
I let it get out of control
Now I'm stuck in this stinking hell hole

Princella

Mother?
Tramp?
Saint?
Bitch?
You are me and I am you...which one am I?
You left me...I lost my mind
Did you exist?
If so where are you?
Are you in the kink of my hair? The rhythms of my hips?
I love you a unknown entity
I see your life as I live mine
Are you there?
I remember only your smell
You were the first to break my heart...how many more?
I went to honor you today because I miss you
Do you know how much I miss you
Then I see my own
Does she look like you? Who is she?
Princella I try...I do.
I want you...I've never wanted anyone as badly as I've wanted you!!
You are MY First love...my only true love
Damn...

The Women

 Last night I relaxed my mind long enough to watch a movie. For some reason I settled on The Women I say this because it's been on a million times and I've never had an inkling to watch it before. I'd saw the original with Joan Crawford so I figured there wasn't any way the second one could compare with the first. Boy was I wrong. I loved this movie I plan on buying it on DVD. I related to the main character Mary played by Meg Ryan. I loved the fact there were no men in the remake just as in the original. The plot was Mary a seemingly happy but bored designer who's husband is found out to be cheating on her with a hot chick played by Eva Mendez. Mary's best friend's find out and confront the hussy and then Mary goes off on a woman's retreat to get her mind right. There she meets a woman played by Bette Midler (who I love) Bette's character ask Mary "What do You want?" She goes on to tell Mary she has to find out what she wants and be selfish about it, she said remove everything that is negative out of your life, live your dream. The Great Bette Midler was talking to me. I watched the movie and rooted for Mary even though I knew everything would turn out right after all it is a movie.

Then I thought about  my life. I sat down and wrote a list of everything I wanted in my life. Do you know the list did not include a man (the last one did). After I made the list I looked it over and I was very proud of it because I didn't post material things I posted spiritual wants, my book being published and the want of health, happiness and a stronger family. I posted I knew the truth was in me and my wanting to travel. I added a red paper heart put it in a plastic baggie and sealed it with a sign over it with Protected from now on I will protect my heart.   You know I've been here in my life before. Betrayed, unwanted and sadden by the lost of what I thought was love. I never took the time to just completely focus on me I was too busy trying to look for someone else to fill my days and nights with pretty lies. I'm not looking anymore! I am going to concentrate wholly and totally on ME!!!

Yoga

I made it my business to check out the yoga class at the gym last night and I'm so glad I did. I had fun but I must admit I wanted to walk out with all the stretching and stuff but I didn't I stayed to the end. This was the best part of the class. We all lay down on the floor on our backs and spread out our legs and arms the instructor turned out the lights and told us to close our eyes and focus on our breathing. She turned on some relaxing music and told us to focus on mind body and spirit. At the very end of the class we sat up and put our hands in a praying pose and thanked the spirit. Wow I thought this was something like going to church except this was way better. I felt tired but damn good at the end of class. She invited me to the Ab's class she runs on Wednesday and I will be there. This is just the beginning of focusing on MY wants and needs for once.

Beyoncé - Irreplaceable

I should have told Dude to the left a long time ago. I forgot who I was and I was willing to sacrifice myself for his love.  I saw this shit coming I swear I did. I think back on all the lies he told and I am astounded I actually believed his BS. This has been running through my head all day. The false promises, lies and bullshit I accepted just to be with him it was straight crazy. Now I'm sitting up here with cramps all in my stomach, can't eat and my mind is just racing with thoughts of revenge. But it's all good I'm not even gonna go there.

Putting in Work

As I go through this shit Again

I think about all the time I spend

trying make this work I should have been WORKING ON ME!

I call my girls we all admit that most men we meet anit about Shit!

I cry...I scream...then I dream

about a day when everything will be okay!

I Will Survive I Say!!

I got to learn to love myself I SHOUT!

I lose the weight, buy the clothes, go to the bars and strike a pose!

I paste on the smile all the while wondering if it's even worth it.

I look in the mirrors behind the bar...I get up and leave
Shit I gotta put the working in me.

Don't Spit in my Face and tell me it's raining!

I saw you. No you didn't.
Drip...
Who is she? Who is who?
Drop...
Where were you? I was with the kids.
Drip...Drop...
Why didn't you answer your phone? It was on airplane mode.
Drop...Drip...
Wait a minute...why are you lying to me?
Baby...I'm not lying...it's raining.

The Fosters (a poem)

Cries ignored
rotting diaper sores
skeleton frame
no last name
I was destined to be what I became
unwanted
unloved
child
black eyes
smothered cries
molested at four
locked behind doors
I was ashamed and I carried my pain
like I was the blame
crazy
insane
changing my name
locking me away again
Princella is gone...
no hope now
I am a motherless child
I don't care
boys are now here
I will give them my sex and part of my soul
they don't love me
only my honey
when they are done I'm back to square one
Crack is my friend never be alone again
No... this is what they want...I gotta stop!
Foster Mother...greedy pig...selfish whore...slamming doors... I'm better than this
I'm a child... this is not my fault !
I'm not who you want me to be...
GED...BABY...saved me.
Now look who laughs as you lie in your eternal hell !
HA... HA...HA...

Dmari's Detroit

With all the hoopla concerning the Dateline Special focused on Detroit (which I didn't watch) I think my city is a decent place to live. See I don't live in the same Detroit everyone else does I guess. Well I just may be looking at my home town through rose colored glasses. I know it's crime, drugs and random terrible acts of violence. I see the high teen pregnancy rates, the crackheads, the young thugs and all of the other issues that keep my city from being great. I see the corrupt politicians and the criminal justice system that believes in locking up children with adults. I see it all...but...I also see...

Pete's the restaurant on the corner thriving with my neighbors and  friendly waitresses smiling
the vigilant single mother down the street watching over her children as they play
the young man walking home everyday from work
my next door neighbor smiling at me as I walk my dog
my children falling in love with books as they go to a school of my choosing
thriving black owned businesses up and down East Seven Mile
my librarian happy to show me the new shipment of books
my neighbors laughing and dancing at the yearly block party
grass maintained
parks filled with children's cries of joy
I see my Detroit...
What do you see?
                             

Date night

Tonight I have a date. I met a guy on a online dating site. He left me a unique message and I responded. He's e-mailed me very nice e-mails and we've talked a few times. He seems to be a nice guy. Financially secure and sure of himself. He doesn't seem like a game player but they rarely show their true colors until you are in love with them. Really it seems as if he is everything I've been looking for. Smart, funny, ambitious, flattering and honest. Yet there always is a but....I'm not spilling that just yet.
Anyhow, he calls when he says he will and emails me long interesting witty emails. He seems to be very sincere. I want to take this slowly of course because I actually enjoy dating. Plus I don't want him to be the rebound guy. Like Dude was.
I meet interesting guys when I date but there always is something about them I can't put my finger on. So I dump them or don't return their calls. Then I end up with guys like Dude.