Oh....No

I cannot make you change I know
I cannot make you be the man I thought you once were
All that I can do All that I will do is learn alot more about myself
I know I hated watching sports complete waste of time
I hated when you left your shoes in the middle of the floor
I hated that you thought my clit was something to bite
and I hated when you never wanted to put up a fight
I hated the way you had to hit the blunt
I hated that you always put up a front
like you were a honest, caring, loving man
I hated I loved you but oh well I cannot make you change.

What I Want in a Man

I want him to be funny
compassionate
loving
have a job
no drugs of any kind
he can be widowed, divorced but most of all please Lord let him be single
I want a working man, a fixing up the house man, a hold my hand man but most of all I want him to be only
MY MAN
I want a brother to be a slow, tender, long lasting, kiss my toes lover!
Lord if he comes with kids that's fine too. We can be some Brady Bunch picnic's in the parks
at the Ceaser Land and p.g. Movie lovers
I just want him to be a Man
I want to know when I'm in the room the only thing he is watching is me I don't care if Halle Berry walked in and did a striptease!
I want my Man to answer his phone every time I call.
I want my man to want to show me off to the world
I want to know every one he loves so that I can grow to love him even more
No game players, smooth talkers, users, cheap and selfish dudes need not apply.
See cause I'm Grade A with a sweet disposition unless you make me mad.
 I don't nag
steal... cheat... downgrade you. All I wanna do is cater to you.
If I'm giving my all you better damn sure give yours
My skin is soft
I smell good
I know how to cook
and I am Sexy as hell.
I don't have the time or the energy to play games to old for that
It's time to get my grown woman thang back.

Now I know

I know why she slipped
she slipped cause walking was too fast
she slipped cause her life was not meant to last
She went there time and time again cause the pain was too great to bear
she did it cause being alone was her fear
they sent her over the edge
they made her knees burn from beg
She was no longer alone
living in a bottle became her home

Happy Birthday Ms. Hill!

I love this video because it shows the only thing that changes is time not problems. Same shit different day. When I bought the CD I knew Lauryn Hill was the truth.  When she sings about the pretty faced men claiming that they did a bid men need to take care of their twenty four kids men. I lmao. Listen to the words cause this will still be the truth fifty years from now.

The Watcher

Do you wanna watch?

Look...See...Touch

moving slowly gyrating

up and down

round and round

Lust, boredom, curiosity it's all there

Do you wanna watch?

wetness from fingers slowly touching private places
 Silken skin reaching back pulling in

Smell...me...now

Do you wanna watch?

Faster harder fire in my blood

Heat from my love

You are watching cause you wanna watch.

SHIT

 Boy meets Woman who already has it going on
House, Job and Money in the Bank
His eyes pop out his head looking at the money she makes
Shoulda said keep it moving little boy...but that clock was ticking in her head
All his SHIT was in the past crackhead jailbird baby daddy
His SHIT was all their shit making one huge pile of trash
stinking to the highest of the heavens
Her first mind said walk away... no RUN FAST but that  clock kept ticking away
She covered her eyes against the warning the red light flashing telling her to stop
She found the dress, paid the preacher, bought his suit and said "I do"

Murder in the first degree

Three...I've murdered three
Not without agonizing over their deaths
I plotted every detail, I made sure they went as quickly and painlessly as I could
but nevertheless I am a murderer.
I committed my first murder when I was nineteen young by far but I did it in order to save myself
I shall call this murder in self defense
I waited six years before the need to kill came upon me again
This time I did it on order to save my marriage
This one haunted my dreams and caused many sleepless nights
The last time I killed was to hide the truth of an unhappy marriage
I had accomplices those who never knew how each murder penetrated my soul
Those who handed me money unwittingly to kill
Each time I took their blood money I cringed
Then I lay back took a deep breathe and begged GOD for forgiveness I committed murder
I know one day I will have to answer to those small clots of blood that held fingers and toes, brains and bones...I'm  prepared to tell them why.

Everybody's talking...

Got alot on my mind

A seven year old this time...WTF

She was supposed to be getting ready for school right now

Learning on her mind, waiting for lunchtime

Did she believe in fairies...like to jump rope...play tag...

Was she excited about summer...what did she want to be when she grew up?

Stay out of trouble...don't hang out...shit little Aiyanna was just sleep on her couch!

Trouble came knocking at her door with a search warrant, big black boots and a license to kill.

I hope she was sleeping, I pray she felt no pain. SEVEN years old damn!

Yesterday it was a mom and her son
Day before that a grandmother
Day before that two beautiful young girls
Seventeen and fifteen year old males
WTH
Everybody talking, marching
 reclaiming our streets?

The ones that kill could care less

march all you want they chuckle as they hit the blunt

pass the brew and pop the X

Blood stains...dead brains high...OMG the young folks sigh

Looking around cause they could be next

Marked for death with targets on their chest

Carrie was dancing to pay her way...she had a scummy ass boyfriend wanted control

not only over her body but her mind as well took her and her son away I truly hope there

is a hell!

I'm tired of hearing about all this death

turn on the news and I hold my breath

Praying for my loved ones and those innocent souls who's lives will never unfold.

Shadows

They live in the shadows
Bright red lips, high heels and tight skirts
Everything big....big  hair...big tits...big ass...big fake smile
They walk shayshaying to a rythm only they can hear
They hear the whistles, cat calls and shouts of desperation
A wave of the hand
 a back alley transaction
 the deed is done
Lost daugthers
Lost sons doesn't matter which one
I know love used to reside behind those empty eyes
I know hope sprang eternal at one point in the heart of those big tits
Those brightly painted lips may have been able to quote Shakespere
Those trackmarked arms may have once held someone very dear
That ass may have sat and waited as love disappeared
And those feet which walk a million miles in one night may have simply kept on walking in order to find some type of peace even if it meant living in the shadows.....

Relapse

I knew the shit was gonna hit the fan
I knew I was tipping my hand
I let it get out of control
Now I'm stuck in this stinking hell hole

Princella

Mother?
Tramp?
Saint?
Bitch?
You are me and I am you...which one am I?
You left me...I lost my mind
Did you exist?
If so where are you?
Are you in the kink of my hair? The rhythms of my hips?
I love you a unknown entity
I see your life as I live mine
Are you there?
I remember only your smell
You were the first to break my heart...how many more?
I went to honor you today because I miss you
Do you know how much I miss you
Then I see my own
Does she look like you? Who is she?
Princella I try...I do.
I want you...I've never wanted anyone as badly as I've wanted you!!
You are MY First love...my only true love
Damn...

The Women

 Last night I relaxed my mind long enough to watch a movie. For some reason I settled on The Women I say this because it's been on a million times and I've never had an inkling to watch it before. I'd saw the original with Joan Crawford so I figured there wasn't any way the second one could compare with the first. Boy was I wrong. I loved this movie I plan on buying it on DVD. I related to the main character Mary played by Meg Ryan. I loved the fact there were no men in the remake just as in the original. The plot was Mary a seemingly happy but bored designer who's husband is found out to be cheating on her with a hot chick played by Eva Mendez. Mary's best friend's find out and confront the hussy and then Mary goes off on a woman's retreat to get her mind right. There she meets a woman played by Bette Midler (who I love) Bette's character ask Mary "What do You want?" She goes on to tell Mary she has to find out what she wants and be selfish about it, she said remove everything that is negative out of your life, live your dream. The Great Bette Midler was talking to me. I watched the movie and rooted for Mary even though I knew everything would turn out right after all it is a movie.

Then I thought about  my life. I sat down and wrote a list of everything I wanted in my life. Do you know the list did not include a man (the last one did). After I made the list I looked it over and I was very proud of it because I didn't post material things I posted spiritual wants, my book being published and the want of health, happiness and a stronger family. I posted I knew the truth was in me and my wanting to travel. I added a red paper heart put it in a plastic baggie and sealed it with a sign over it with Protected from now on I will protect my heart.   You know I've been here in my life before. Betrayed, unwanted and sadden by the lost of what I thought was love. I never took the time to just completely focus on me I was too busy trying to look for someone else to fill my days and nights with pretty lies. I'm not looking anymore! I am going to concentrate wholly and totally on ME!!!

Yoga

I made it my business to check out the yoga class at the gym last night and I'm so glad I did. I had fun but I must admit I wanted to walk out with all the stretching and stuff but I didn't I stayed to the end. This was the best part of the class. We all lay down on the floor on our backs and spread out our legs and arms the instructor turned out the lights and told us to close our eyes and focus on our breathing. She turned on some relaxing music and told us to focus on mind body and spirit. At the very end of the class we sat up and put our hands in a praying pose and thanked the spirit. Wow I thought this was something like going to church except this was way better. I felt tired but damn good at the end of class. She invited me to the Ab's class she runs on Wednesday and I will be there. This is just the beginning of focusing on MY wants and needs for once.

Beyoncé - Irreplaceable

I should have told Dude to the left a long time ago. I forgot who I was and I was willing to sacrifice myself for his love.  I saw this shit coming I swear I did. I think back on all the lies he told and I am astounded I actually believed his BS. This has been running through my head all day. The false promises, lies and bullshit I accepted just to be with him it was straight crazy. Now I'm sitting up here with cramps all in my stomach, can't eat and my mind is just racing with thoughts of revenge. But it's all good I'm not even gonna go there.

Putting in Work

As I go through this shit Again

I think about all the time I spend

trying make this work I should have been WORKING ON ME!

I call my girls we all admit that most men we meet anit about Shit!

I cry...I scream...then I dream

about a day when everything will be okay!

I Will Survive I Say!!

I got to learn to love myself I SHOUT!

I lose the weight, buy the clothes, go to the bars and strike a pose!

I paste on the smile all the while wondering if it's even worth it.

I look in the mirrors behind the bar...I get up and leave
Shit I gotta put the working in me.

Don't Spit in my Face and tell me it's raining!

I saw you. No you didn't.
Drip...
Who is she? Who is who?
Drop...
Where were you? I was with the kids.
Drip...Drop...
Why didn't you answer your phone? It was on airplane mode.
Drop...Drip...
Wait a minute...why are you lying to me?
Baby...I'm not lying...it's raining.

The Fosters (a poem)

Cries ignored
rotting diaper sores
skeleton frame
no last name
I was destined to be what I became
unwanted
unloved
child
black eyes
smothered cries
molested at four
locked behind doors
I was ashamed and I carried my pain
like I was the blame
crazy
insane
changing my name
locking me away again
Princella is gone...
no hope now
I am a motherless child
I don't care
boys are now here
I will give them my sex and part of my soul
they don't love me
only my honey
when they are done I'm back to square one
Crack is my friend never be alone again
No... this is what they want...I gotta stop!
Foster Mother...greedy pig...selfish whore...slamming doors... I'm better than this
I'm a child... this is not my fault !
I'm not who you want me to be...
GED...BABY...saved me.
Now look who laughs as you lie in your eternal hell !
HA... HA...HA...

Dmari's Detroit

With all the hoopla concerning the Dateline Special focused on Detroit (which I didn't watch) I think my city is a decent place to live. See I don't live in the same Detroit everyone else does I guess. Well I just may be looking at my home town through rose colored glasses. I know it's crime, drugs and random terrible acts of violence. I see the high teen pregnancy rates, the crackheads, the young thugs and all of the other issues that keep my city from being great. I see the corrupt politicians and the criminal justice system that believes in locking up children with adults. I see it all...but...I also see...

Pete's the restaurant on the corner thriving with my neighbors and  friendly waitresses smiling
the vigilant single mother down the street watching over her children as they play
the young man walking home everyday from work
my next door neighbor smiling at me as I walk my dog
my children falling in love with books as they go to a school of my choosing
thriving black owned businesses up and down East Seven Mile
my librarian happy to show me the new shipment of books
my neighbors laughing and dancing at the yearly block party
grass maintained
parks filled with children's cries of joy
I see my Detroit...
What do you see?
                             

Date night

Tonight I have a date. I met a guy on a online dating site. He left me a unique message and I responded. He's e-mailed me very nice e-mails and we've talked a few times. He seems to be a nice guy. Financially secure and sure of himself. He doesn't seem like a game player but they rarely show their true colors until you are in love with them. Really it seems as if he is everything I've been looking for. Smart, funny, ambitious, flattering and honest. Yet there always is a but....I'm not spilling that just yet.
Anyhow, he calls when he says he will and emails me long interesting witty emails. He seems to be very sincere. I want to take this slowly of course because I actually enjoy dating. Plus I don't want him to be the rebound guy. Like Dude was.
I meet interesting guys when I date but there always is something about them I can't put my finger on. So I dump them or don't return their calls. Then I end up with guys like Dude.

Michigan's DeShawn Sims opens up about family tragedy | freep.com | Detroit Free Press

This story has me seeing red! DeShawn Sims is my son David’s older brother by his father.  I read the quote Petey (that’s his nickname his father gave him) saying that he is the last man standing in his family. That is a bald faced LIE! Petey has had a lot  of challenges growing up and he’s made something out nothing but he is not the last man standing in the family.

David is still here and whether Petey wants to acknowledge him or not he is not going anywhere. I gave birth to David when I was 18 he was Shawn’s fifth child. I knew Shawn had three children but there was one he denied for whatever reason. Shawn was in jail when I had his son and we were not together. I was young scared and on welfare but when I saw this little baby I vowed that I would lay down my life for him.

Adoption of black children

All over the news yesterday was the story of Sandra Bullock adopting a baby boy from New Orleans named Louis. I fell in love with this beautiful little baby looking at the camera as if saying someone wanted me after all. The joy in Sandra's face says it all. I went to the people website and there was a collection of all the famous whom have adopted some children from other countries and some from here. A lot of those children were black. I applaud all those whom adopt and I give a standing ovation for those who adopt black and older children. I've believe in adoption and if the parent is dedicated to that child and their needs it doesn't matter what color the parent is.

 Love comes in all colors and where ever you can find it is great. People have this great debate of how black children adopted by whites will not know their culture. WTH does that mean? When someone adopts you that means that they choose you. Therefore whatever you may need in your life they are willing to provide. Security, love, commitment and a dedication to make sure you are the best person you can be. I'm quite sure every black child that has been adopted by a white person knows who they are. They know the only thing that matters is they are LOVED!! I wish Sandra and Louis a very rich life together. She has shown remarkable strength of character pertaining to her cheating husband. She knows her truth and she is determined to live it.

Panic Attack

Saturday night I had the worse panic attack ever. I was having a conversation with my ex boyfriend. I was trying to get him to tell the truth about him cheating (I found naked pic's of other women in his phone...they weren't forwards). He kept on denying I even saw the pic's and we were going back and forth until I told him I was DONE!

Malcolm X's killer is freed on parole | freep.com | Detroit Free Press

Yesterday Malcolm X’s killer Thomas Hagan was released on parole. For the past eighteen years he has been on a work release program.  Now after serving “44” years he has been allowed complete freedom. I think that is BS.

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When will the Rainbows come?

I feel as if I’m living in a world covered in a deep, consuming fog. I wonder if I could ever go back to being the woman I knew before. She was strong, secure and independent. Now as I look over the landscape of my life I have become needy, insecure and fearful. I look in the mirror and I gasp at the sight I see staring back at me. All this fog in my brain and in my heart. I can’t see clearly anymore, my hands shake with rage and my heart feels as if it may explode in my chest. I’m scared because I know what I am capable of. I’ve got to lift this fog and dance and be happy. I want to know when will the rainbows come?

Aging

I've never been one to lie about my age. Frankly I never even given the idea of aging that much thought. Now that I am in my late thirties the idea has come up. I'm at a point in my life in which not alot surprises me. I've become just a tad bit cynical. I remember a time when words of love and loyalty were spoken I believed them without any doubt. Now I hear those words spoken and I watch the actions behind them. Words mean nothing now. I watch the young and I remember when I was told as a young woman "youth is wasted on the young". I smile because there's no way I would speak those words aloud to any young woman. Youth is not wasted on the young it's lived by the young. Fun, dreams, laughter, dancing and living each day like it may be your last can be done by all. Youth is only wasted when you spend it angry, bitter, and depressed. That's when it becomes a waste, when you do nothing with it.

Michigan becomes 38th state to ban smoking statewide | The Michigan Daily

 

Michigan becomes 38th state to ban smoking statewide | The Michigan Daily

Michigan’s smoking ban will be instated on May 1, 2010. Smoking in restaurants and BARS of all places will be prohibited.  The only place you will be able to smoke is the casino’s.

I’m a smoker I happen to like to smoke. I started smoking when I was 13 trying to fit in and because I thought it made me look older. Now it’s just a habit. I did stop smoking when I was pregnant out of concern for my unborn child but as soon as I delivered it was back to a pack a day.

When I go to the bar I order a drink and light up as I watch the dance floor and chit chat with my girls. None of them smoke but they rarely if ever complain as long as I don’t smoke while we’re eating or in their cars.

I think this law infringes on the rights of smokers everywhere. We are being denied the right to our addiction without any type of rehabilitation.  I am being so serious. Alcoholic's drink…drink…drink then they get in cars and destroy families.  Being an alcoholic even causes people to become dredges on society when they drink to the extent of not being able to go to work therefore not being able to maintain and care for their own families. A lot of times drinking alcohol is just a cover up for  mental illness.

Smoking stinks it leave a smell on your clothes, in your hair and on your body. With a little soap and water that can be rectified. Smoking kills mainly the smoker, I’ve never heard of an actual account of second hand smoke killing someone . If that was the case I would have never reached the age of five (my dad smoked like a chimney).

I don’t want to go to the casino to be able to smoke and drink their over priced drinks. I want to go to the neighborhood bar and order a vodka and cranberry and smoke!

State officials push to commit Nushan Williams, who knowingly spread AIDS, to a mental hospital

 

State officials push to commit Nushan Williams, who knowingly spread AIDS, to a mental hospital

This is why I use condoms. Demons like this walk the earth everyday without our knowledge. I remember when this story first broke and I was appalled then to know the majority if girls he had sex with were young and white. I figured this had something to do with him getting back at “the man”. Whatever his filthy a$$ was thinking he should have killed himself and not subjected any one’s child to the terror of the AIDS virus.  I don’t think he should be placed in a mental hospital because I know he will find some way to infect someone with this death sentence.

We as women have to be on guard against these type of men.  The type that just meet you, want to have sex and get it raw. NO…NO…No… without a condom you gotta go!  I believe not only did Dude choose young, white girls to get back at the proverbial man but also because the majority of them were gullible and based upon that and their youth he used both to his advantage. 

This I know

Tiki Barber a retired football player for the New York Giants has left his pregnant wife for a little chick who's fresh out of college.This story has upset me me in so many ways (never mind that before this story I'd ask Tiki who?). I follow these stories because they fasinate me in a strange way.

I can only speak for myself when I say this but what if things were different? What if we left a man just because we've found someone who is smarter, better in bed, funnier and better looking.
I can understand the need to escape from a boring sex life, crying children, clingy spouses and money issues but damn. It's like men feel as if we are interchangable. What could he have possibly told his wife Ginny? What did she say?  He knows the pain of betrayal because his father left him and his twin brother when they were four. Why would he want to inflict that type of pain on his two sons and the twins yet to be born. Ginny has to deal with this in her own way and I know that stress kills I just hope and pray that she delivers healthy and strong babies.  When I hear of women dating married men I don't pass judgment but I do shake my head because this I know is true... Karma is a Bitch!

The Crybaby

Yesterday my ex-husband dropped the kids off from spending two days with them. He was mad because I refused to pick them up after the first day. I felt like he never gets the kids (maybe once every two months) so hey one more day would'nt hurt. I was standing outside with Cole (my puppy) talking to my neighbor. Crybaby (my ex) unloads the trunk of the car and looks at me with disgust and shouts "I'll see your ass in court" then pulls off. He knew what was good for him had he stuck around for two more seconds I would have blasted off on him. Well maybe not after all the kids were standing right there. I told my neighbor I'd talk later and went in the house with the kids to help them unpack. Then I took a walk with my dog. And I thought about what the  Crybaby had said. "Court" this man has thrown that word around for four years now (since the divorce). I really wish he would go ahead and take me already. I can see it now.

Me and Crohn's

I have Crohn's disease. I hate having Crohn's disease. Rarely do I admit it even to myself. I am in a flare but I don't want to go to the hospital. I hate hospital's. I hate Crohn's. I hate the stomach pains, the feeling as if my insides are being twisted by my worst enemy. I live each day trying to forget I have this disease. I try to forget but I can't not when the pain hits me so hard I fall to the floor. I vomit and there the pain sits deep in my chest not abating as I thought it would. The pain causes me to shout out, fall down, cry, and some days not even get out of bed. I hate pain. How am I to live like this? When I have a flare I think of the days when I'm in remission. Happy, shopping and able to take the kids out to the show.  Remission=Strength. Flare=Weakness.
I try to fight through the pain...I swear I do but sometimes it knocks me right on my ass. I lay there just for a lil while and then slowly I get up. Ready and willing to go another round! Come on put em Crohns you fing weakling! You don't know who your'e messing with. After being abandoned, molested, tossed into various foster homes and being a teen mom all before age eightteen. Do you think you can take me on? Hell No!
I'm gonna fight your ass just like I fought against poverty, rejection and low self esteem! I'm gonna fight you untill  I've whopped you so bad you will stay in remission!

A Street Car named Desire

A few days ago I was at home alone (which is rare) and I turned on TCM. This is one of my favorite channels I love the old classic movies. I guess because back in the fourties and fifties actors were really actors not simply bobble heads saying lines that have no meaning. I saw A Street car named Desire was coming on so I popped some pop corn turned off the lights and settled in front of the TV. Now I'm not a big Brando fan but I love Vivien Leigh because of her hellava acting in Gone with the Wind another one of my favorite movies. Anyway I digress and that is one thing you will see often in this blog. At first I couldn't get into the movie but as I watched it I became morbidly facinated because some how I felt a compassion with Blanche the character Ms. Leigh played. I mean here she was an aging southern beauty living with her married pregnant sister. She was lost. The world as she'd known it as a beautiful, sought after southern belle had vanished along with her family and the family home. All she had left was her sister and her husband (Brando). She's tried to support herself as a teacher  but there was a restlessness about her after the death of her young husband. She was lost in a world that no longer bowed at her beauty and class, her grace and manners mattered not. This was a new world in which she couldn't quite find her way. Then to add humiliation and disgrace she finds her sister Stella has married a classless, unmannered, loud talking but good looking in an animailistic sort of way man named Stanley. When I saw Brando take off his shirt in the first fifteen minuetes of the movie I was determined to stay up and watch it to the end.
I became enraptured as Blanche when he slowly pulled his sweaty shirt over his head to change into a fresh one. I saw the lust in her eyes in one second and then the shame in them the next. She knew Stan was a monster by the way he treated Stella but she would soon find out monster was to good of a word for him after she was driven into the madness she was pushed into by Stanley.
I related to her character because the world as I knew it is slowly fading away. A world and time of children playing outside and people speaking to you when they see you. A world where neighbors chatted easily and people got together just to talk and dance and laughed. They really enjoyed being together. Children knew their places and didn't feel they had the right to intterupt an adult talking. You didn't have to watch your children like a hawk they were free to go play with the kids down the street and you knew they were coming back home. Going out to dinner was never interupted by a ring tone from a cell phone.
Change is good Blanche knew that because she tried to change her life by starting a new realtionship but she went about it the wrong way without disclosing some things she'd done in her past. When Stanley found out that she'd had alot of lovers he couldn't wait to spread the news. He wanted everyone to know she was actually lower than him. He couldn't stand her pretenses of bing a southern belle and of having wealth and class he couldn't never attain so therefore in order to make himself feel better about marrying a woman who's station in life was above his he demeaned her sister. 
This movie had me thinking about my life in so many ways...the past...starting anew...aging...class status and madness.